


if you want me to

by thescyfychannel



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-25
Updated: 2014-10-25
Packaged: 2018-02-22 15:06:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2512049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thescyfychannel/pseuds/thescyfychannel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it wwas ovver my head<br/>I knew not)(ing at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	if you want me to

_say something I'm giving up on you_

Do you know how hard I tried? How many times I tried to get through to what was really going on, how many times I tried to talk _to_ him, not _at_ him?

Of course I gave up. He never _listened_ and he never _talked_. He said more to the very trolls he claimed to hate than he ever said to me, how the _hell_ was I supposed to get through to him? It was like holding back a tidal wave with a net.

 

_I'll be the one if you want me to_   
_anywhere I would've followed you_

I could have been anything she wanted. Everything she needed. All she had to do was say the word, all she had to do was _ask_ , and I would've done anything for her, anything at all.

But that's never what she wanted. She never even fucking noticed. I was just another thing to fix to her, another problem that she had to look after, another utterly broken creature that needed her care.

 

* * *

 

 

I'm terrified. How do I do this alone? How am I supposed to make this work? I don't know what to do, for once, and I can't even let that on. I'm supposed to know what to do! I'm _always_ supposed to be completely in control, even if I'm not in charge.

I don't _want_ to be in charge, sometimes. Sometimes I want to go home and watch the waves crash over my head, the sunlight filter down through the water until it's not much more than a warm glow.

I can't do this. I can't keep holding things back, and trying to handle whatever the hell's going on in his head. We've talked, every single day, for as long as I can remember. Once upon a time, I might've dreamt that I knew him inside and out, that I knew him better than any troll alive. I might've dreamt that we were pale, and would _always_ be so. But it wasn't enough. _I_ wasn't enough.

 

* * *

 

 

I don't want to say goodbye. Not to her, not ever. I've sacrificed so goddamn much just to stay at her side, just for the chance to maybe some night tell her how I feel. It fucking _hurts_. It aches. And I know I don't deserve to have her love me, _just_ because I tried for it. She's her own gods damn person, and I'm nowhere near deserving of even the thought of holding her back.

But that doesn't mean it doesn't _burn_.

I want her to be happy. I want to see her smile every fucking night, hear her laugh, know I'm the one who caused it. But I'm not. I don't think I could be, not with the way things have turned out.

Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before stumbling, right? I fucking assumed. I assumed it'd be me. And it's not, and I have to let _go_ , and it _burns_.

 

* * *

 

 

_say somethin_

_I'm giving up on you._

 

**Author's Note:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0dYlvdLdK9w


End file.
